


Tres Horny Crusaders

by PapyrusShipsMalec



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast), ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Combat, Fourth Wall Breaking, Language, M/M, Violence, maybe some nsfw ill make sure to tag that as it comes up, spoilers up to the crystal kingdom arc and taako and kravitz's date, you know like whats expected from jojo, you know like whats expected from taz
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-14 07:49:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10532070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PapyrusShipsMalec/pseuds/PapyrusShipsMalec
Summary: Kravitz goes after Dio as a bounty and gets spored. The thb go to a different world to save him.TAZ spoilers: up to the Crystal Kingdom arc and Taako and Kravitz's date. A bit of an AU where they started dating after Crystal Kingdom and not after The Eleventh Hour. This takes place before The Eleventh Hour.JoJo spoilers: Parts 1, 2, and 3.I also decided to use this idea I saw in a tumblr post where you actually roll a dice for the action in the fanfic. It definitely helps with writing combat scenes.Also also I am not just going to rewrite SDC with the thb. Besides super important plot stuff I'll just stick to what I can make interesting to read, because I don't want to bore anyone.I'm also planning on having this be part of a series, but that really depends on how well this does I guess.





	

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kravitz has gone missing, and the tres horny boys are asked to find him, and get sent to another world.  
> Magnus calls a friend. Taako gets into a fight. Merle falls down.

The tres horny boys arrive home, worn out from their busy day at the Bureau of Balance. They open the door and pause when they spot the uninvited guest hanging out just within the doorway.

She’s a very long woman, dressed in a long black robe that encircles the floor around her and is covered in feathers. Stray feathers litter the floor.

“Who the hell are you?” Merle is the first one to speak.

She slowly turns to face them.

“You may call me the Raven Queen. I'm sorry for the intrusion, but I’m afraid this is an emergency. Please come in.”

The three follow her as she leads them into their own sitting room, the short black feathers adorning her headpiece brush the high ceiling. In the sitting room, she pauses to gaze down the skylight beholding the world below, before turning to face the three of them again.

She looks directly at Taako as she says, “Kravitz went after a bounty, and I haven’t heard from him since he left. He usually keeps me updated when he’s away for a long time, and he’s never ignored my calls before. Something is wrong.”

“What do you mean? He’s not- He isn’t-” Taako tries to ask.

“No he isn’t dead,” the woman responds, “I’d know how he’s doing if he was.”

“Do you even know where he is?” Magnus asks.

“I know the general vicinity: He went to another world. Magic there doesn’t work the same, so I can’t see into it.”

“Is that why he hasn’t answered any of my calls?” Taako asks solemnly.

“Yes. The Stones of Farspeech aren’t able to work across worlds,” she answers, stepping closer to Taako. She towers over all three of them, even with a slight hunch, and her sharp features make her very intimidating.

“Why wouldn’t he tell me he was leaving?” Taako mutters, gripping his umbrella.

“The job came up very suddenly. The reapers of that world were struggling to get this target and requested his help. He didn’t have time to tell you goodbye.”

“This is all very concerning, Raven Queen, but tell me exactly why I should care about a guy who impersonated my god and turned my arm to crystal!” Merle demands, pointing to his branch arm.

“Yeah, why exactly are you telling us this?” Magnus adds.

“Because Kravitz is the best Reaper I’ve ever had. I can’t go after him, and I can’t send any other Reaper after him.” She pauses, and then continues. “He’s also the only one willing to let you live. If he’s gone, the other reapers will target you.”

“So you want us to go after him,” Merle says.

“We can’t just take off-”

“I’ll do it,” Taako cuts Magnus off.

“Taako,” Magnus grabs Taako’s shoulder’s and looks him in the eyes, “I know you’re worried about Kravitz, but we have a job to do. What if a relic is found, and people get hurt because we’re not here to reclaim it.”

“I give no shits!” Taako knocks Magnus’s hands off.

“If it helps, I thought you’d be concerned about that so I spoke with Istus. She says it’s around 50 days before the next relic is found.” The Raven Queen buts in.

“There! See! No good reason not to go!” Taako shouts to the other two.

“I have one good reason: my arm!” Merle says.

“Listen, Kravitz is one of the few good things I’ve got going for me! I don’t give a fuck what you guys do but there’s no way you’re going to stop me!” Taako walks next to the Raven Queen and crosses his arms, his body facing the other two but he's looking off to the side with a pout.

There’s a moment of silence before Magnus speaks.

“If that’s really how you feel, then I guess I have no choice. I’m coming too.” Taako glances at him. “There’s no way I can let you go into danger alone.”

“Thanks, my dude,” Taako faces him, dropping his arms.

The two of them look expectantly at Merle.

The dwarf groans and pinches his nose.

“Alright, I’ll come too, in case you guys need cleric-stuff.”

“Yeah, I’m sure we’ll need plenty Zones of Truth.”

The Raven Queen jumps in to stop the incoming argument, “Okay I’ll get the portal set up right away.”

“Wait, we can’t just go without telling anyone,” Magnus says.

“Who can we tell that isn’t going to try to stop us?” Merle asks.

“Definitely not Angus,” Taako says. Merle seems to shiver at the mention of the world's greatest detective.

“I think I know,” Magnus says, before pulling out his Stone of Farspeech.

“Alright, you take care of that, I’ll set up the portal,” the Raven Queen chimes in, before walking over to the door to the kitchen.

“Hey, Avi,” Magnus speaks into the stone. Immediately, a familiar voice can be heard from it.

“Oh, hey, Magnus! What’s up? Some of the other guys and I were just sitting down to play some Fantasy Go Fish, want to join us?”

“No, sorry, I’m in a bit of a hurry, no time for questions. Listen: If the Director asks, I need you to tell her we went on a mission to save Taako’s boyfriend. Can you do that for me?”

“Uh, sure, I can tell her.”

“Thanks, pal, see you in 50 days.”

“No proble- Wait, 50 d-” Avi’s voice gets caught off as Magnus turns off his Stone and shoves it back in his pocket.

“Alright, we’re good here,” he reports.

“Just in time,” the Raven Queen chimes.

The three boys go over to the doorway where the Raven Queen had been setting up. The doorframe is covered in raven feathers, and the floor in front of the door shows a line of text written in an unrecognizable language. Through the crack between the door and its frame a dull light glows.

“There are some things I have to tell you before you can go through. First: This is something very few people have been allowed to do, and for good reason. You are not allowed to interfere with the affairs of that world. Focus on finding Kravitz, do not talk to anyone you don’t have to, and do not do anything you don’t have to. You absolutely cannot tell anyone you’re from another world. Not everyone is aware that other worlds exist.

“Secondly, magic doesn’t work the same way in this world. I can’t tell you any specifics, only that it manifests as something called a Stand. Finally: the technology in this world is vastly different. You will find it difficult to adjust to it. Remember to stay focused.”

“If there’s no elevators then this place will be like a paradise,” Taako comments.

“There’s one more thing,” the boy groan as the Raven Queen pulls some feathers off her robe before holding them out to the boys, “If you arrange five of these in a circle you’ll be able to call me. Be warned that the signal there isn’t the best, so you won’t always be able to get through.”

“Sounds like you need to get on Fantasy T-Mobile,” Merle says.

“Yeah, well, being the goddess of death doesn’t pay very well. Now do you have any questions?”

“What can you tell us about Kravitz’s target? Because it seems to me like that would be a good place to start looking for him,” Magnus asks.

“All I know is that his name is Dio Brando, he’s located in a place called Cairo, and he is very very dangerous. Now, boys, I wish you good luck.”

The Raven Queen opens the door, revealing a light that reminds the trio of the discs in the Cosmoscope, and it envelops them.

The tres horny boys are standing near a staircase in a very unfamiliar place.(Actually did a perception check here, Merle got a nat 20)

Taako and Magnus are overwhelmed by how colorful this place is. Besides the animal statues, it is difficult for them to discern anything about their surroundings.

Merle realizes that this place is a park. He also hears some voices.

“Well what now?” Magnus asks.

“I hear something over there,” Merle says, pointing down the steps, “I guess that’s as good a place as any to start.”

“Alright,” Magnus says and Taako nods in agreement.

The three make their way down the steps, the voices getting louder as they made their way.

As they approach the bottom, the three see an interesting scene: two men are squaring off, while three others are off to the side watching the pair. None of them have noticed the boys yet.

(did a dex check here) The three boys fail to notice a loose step near the bottom. Taako stumbles on it but catches himself right away. Magnus trips and stumbles for a few steps but steadies himself before reaching the bottom. Merle trips and falls the rest of the way down the stairs. He doesn’t get hurt, but he does make enough noise to get the attention of the five men.

Taako and Magnus rush to catch up to Merle at the bottom, as Merle picks himself up.

“Hey, you guys shouldn’t be here,” says one of the men squaring up, a buff man with tall silver hair, “this area’s dangerous, you should go before you get hurt.”

“Sorry, we just need some directions and we’ll be on our way,” Magnus says with a friendly smile.

“Buzz off, we’re busy!” One of the young men in the group of three says. He’s tall and is wearing a cap and too many belts.

“Listen, snot, I have too short of a fuse right now to take any sass from someone dressed like that!” Taako shouts, pointing at him.

“Excuse me?” he glares.

“The only ones dressed strangely here are you guys,” the oldest in the bunch jumps in.

“I’ll have you know that this is designer!”

Magnus attempts to grab Taako and restrain him, but Taako dodges him.

“Look we’re just trying to find someone, we think he’s in some place called ‘Cairo.’ If you could tell us how to get there that would be great,” Merle jumps in. The others seem interested at the mention of Cairo.

“Who exactly are you looking for?” The other man that was squaring off asks. He has dark skin and a very deep voice.

“He’s about this tall, very good looking, sometimes uses a Cockney accent,” Magnus says.

“He’s absolutely fucking gorgeous!” Taako adds.

“Are you talking about Kravitz?” the silver haired guy asks.

“You know him? Where is he?” Magnus asks.

“Is he okay?” Taako demands.

“Sorry, I can’t tell you anything,” silver guy responds.

“Fine! Then I’ll beat it out of you!” Taako shouts, readying his umbrella.

“Wait, Taako,” Magnus says in a quiet tone. “Remember what she said about magic here? We don’t know how it works, you may not be able to fight like usual.”

“Well it’s a good fucking time to find out!”

“If you’re determined to fight me that’s fine, but we were kind of in the middle of a duel. I’ll fight you as well, but only one of you.”

“Do you want to talk, or do you want to roll initiative?” Taako responded, stepping up to fight.

(I did roll initiative. The order is: Avdol, Polnareff, Taako)

“What is your name, stranger?” the man in the turban asks.

“Taako the Wizard.” Taako responds.

“I am Muhammad Avdol the Fortune Teller,” he smiles.

“Jean Pierre Polnareff the-”

“Less talk more fight!” Taako cuts him off.

“Agreed,” Avdol says. And then a light surrounds him, and from that light appears another figure. This second figure has the body of a man and the head of a bird.

“Magician’s Red!!”

A blast of flame in an unfamiliar shape comes out of the bird man, headed straight for Polnareff. Polnareff, however, dodges the blast.

“Silver Chariot!” he shouts, as his body lights up. A figure with a fencing sword and a full suit of armor appears from it. Silver Chariot rushes forward and thrusts his sword at Magician’s Red, who manages to dodge it.

“I think I know what’s going on here,” Taako says. (then fails the int check with a 5)

Taako focuses in an attempt to draw on his magical energy. He finds something, but it doesn’t feel anything like it normally does. A light surrounds the elven wizard, and from it appears a steed with two horns and a flowing mullet.

“Oh shit, Garyl!” Taako shouts.

“That’s right, my dude,” the binicorn responds, “I’m your Stand, and I’m ready to fuck ‘em up.”

“Yeah, Taako!” Magnus cheers.

“You can do this, pal!” Merle adds, then turns to Magnus and mutters, “He’s going to fuck this up.”

“Is this your first Stand battle?” Polnareff asks.

“Yeah, but it’s not my first time kicking ass!”

Garyl charges at Polnareff, who barely manages to avoid being impaled on the binicorn’s horns. The incredible steed slows himself and stops a few meters from Polnareff.

Magician’s Red launches another blast of flame, and Silver Chariot doesn’t manage to dodge the attack. The figure is able to escape the flames before it could be seared to ash, but the damage is visible on both Silver Chariot and Polnareff. A huge smile is on Avdol’s face.

“Taako,” Magnus starts, “if Garyl takes damage it’ll hurt you too!”

“Good to know, my man,” Taako responds.

“That was a good hit, Muhammed Avdol. And Taako, you’re doing pretty good for your first Stand fight. You’ve forced my hand.” Polnareff states. Silver Chariot throws off its armor, revealing a metal skeleton.

“By removing my armor my speed greatly increases, but it leaves me more vulnerable to attacks.”

“Thanks for letting me know,” Taako responds. “Now watch this shit!” Garyl does another charge, this time at Silver Chariot. The metal skeleton jumps out of the way, and then watches the glorious steed run a tight circle around it, actually leaving hoofprints in the pavement.

Then, Silver Chariot quickly sunk into the ground, trapping it up to it’s waist.

“What? How did you-?” Polnareff exclaims.

“I just changed the composition of the ground to a liquid, and then to a solid to trap you.”

“Did you already know you could do that?” Avdol asks.

“Nope, I took a guess.”

“A lucky guess indeed,” Avdol says, then turns to Polnareff. “This is the end!”

Avdol and his Stand rush forward, and Magician’s Red sucker punches the trapped Silver Chariot.

* * *

**「Phantom Steed」nickname **「Garyl」****

User: Taako Taaco the Wizard

Power: D

Speed: A , that of a normal horse

Range: A

Durability: E

Precision: B

Learning: B

Known Abilities:

-can change the state of matter, turning solid ground to a liquid and back. This can be done to anything touching the horse, Taako, or in an area encircled by the horse's hoofprints (AN: inspired by the fact that Taako's in the school of transmutation)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if the ending is kinda choppy. I feel like it really dragged on but I at least wanted to get through the fight.  
> Also I mean to imply that the Raven Queen is motherly toward Kravitz and I'm worried its not coming off that way


End file.
